


Dry Hearts, Hoping To Cry Tears Of Joy

by ionlytalkshow



Category: The Miseducation of Cameron Post - Emily M. Danforth
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-08-29 12:07:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16743694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlytalkshow/pseuds/ionlytalkshow
Summary: Cameron leaves and Coley, can't stop thinking about her. When she hears Cameron escapes she wants her to come back for her."Wow Cameron Post"She smiles everyday thinking of this line. This girl was an adventure.





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I am not much of a writer, I like to read the fanfictions more than to write them. But let me tell you this fandom needs more people and more talented writers so I don't have to do the work. Hopefully this will become a big fanfic. I am not sure where this is going but I thought I would give it a go. 
> 
> Tell me what you think ! 
> 
> PS : Sorry if they are any striking spelling mistakes, english is not my native language (not that I am any better at spelling in my native language)

In the last week, she doesn’t see Cameron. She thinks of her, of course she does, she tries not to miss her so much, but of course she does.Even if she wanted to she couldn’t go out. Her mother and Brett keep her very close. She is monitored. The seven days feel like eternity. She wants to hate her, she does. But every time Cameron crosses her mind Coley smiles at the memory of her tanned toes, of her fall in the mud, of her big grins, of her I love you… 

 

_« Wow Cameron Post »_

 

That what comes out of it all. She said that, after sex, or sin whatever they call it. She knows what she meant with that loving gaze and that tired smile. Of course she knows. She never said that to Brett because he was never surprising or peculiar. But she says it to Cameron, who takes her to the movies,who sings her heart out to Tom Petty, who makes her laugh with her dorky jokes, who smiles when she catches her staring at her beautiful blond hair. She’s adventurous. She was adventurous ? Either way she was Wow-worthy in a way that no one ever was before her. 

 

Her mind takes her down memory lane to soft lips and hands tangled in her hair, that almost make her forget the sin. Almost. So she stops thinking about it. 

 

When Cameron leaves in Ruth’s Fœtus Mobile it feels like she can finally stop holding her breath. It’s reassuring for a while, not having the sinner around you. Until it’s unbearable. 

 

School doesn’t start just yet so she has some time to get used to her new normal. She goes from awkward meetings with Pastor Crawford, to holding hands with Brett, to being left alone with her thoughts. She tries to avoid the latter as much as possible. So she spends more time with the boyfriend. His face lights up every time she asks him to come over; so does her mom’s. She feels bad for using him, but he is the only person that doesn’t look at her like a monster in Miles City, so she does anyways. 

 

She makes the mistake of going to Taco John’s with Brett. It’s the day after Cameron left. The counter is empty when they go in. 

 

« Coming! » a voice emerges from the back of the store. 

 

« Sorry for the wait, I’m all… » Jamie stops when he sees them 

 

He is dumbstruck, he probably though Coley would have been gone too. But here she is in the arms of her football star boyfriend. 

 

« Hey man.. » Brett starts shyly. 

 

Jamie clenches is fist with a sound of paper. He looks tired. His eyes are both puffy from crying and red from smoking. His tears aren’t dry yet. Coley looks down at his hand to find the God’s Promise leaflet she took during the firepower meeting.His gaze shifts from Brett to Coley and she thinks she as never seen him this angry. She can tell he is biting down his cheek not to scream, or cry, or laugh really, she doesn’t know him well enough to know how he would react.He takes a breath, two; closes his eyes while he exhales. When he finally speaks up, his voice seems much calmer than the rest of his face. He unfolds the crumpled paper so that Coley can see what it is and says : 

 

« Happy your majesty ? » he lets go and the paper falls on the floor. He turns his back on them. Coley understand. She sees her in him aswell. It’s too soon. 

 

« What the hell man? » Brett speaks up. What an idiot. His stupid pride couldn’t bear losing to the lesbian’s fake boyfriend. Coley understand why he tries to defend her, but she can’t think properly with her former friend so empty in front of her.

 

Jamie stops and turns backs slowly. His shoulders are down, his hands don’t know where to go.He never even glances at Brett. 

 

« She really loved you you know? » 

 

Coley closes her eyes. _Yes she knows_. She can’t think about this right now. 

 

_« Wow Cameron Post »_

 

Images that she tried to restrain for the past week just come back to her. She sees her smiling in her head. 

 

« Is the sinner snake really capable of love ? » Brett scoffs and she is brought back to reality. Thank god. 

 

She looks at Jamie and can’t bear it.He hears the words and stares at her in disbelief for a second 

 

_Is this really how it is now Coley? She’s going to be a snake to you?_

 

Then he runs over to Brett and knocks him on the ground. It’s stupid, Brett is more athletic,but he doesn’t think about that. He runs and screams, with tears in his eyes : he misses her. He loved her _too._ Of course Brett takes back the advantage and pins Jamie on a wall. He raises his fist ready to punch him. 

 

« STOP » Coley screams. 

 

And just like that, Bretts lets it go.He punches the wall beside Jamie’s face and turns toward the exit while Jamie slides down on the floor. His gaze is empty, lifeless. Like a part of him left with her. Coley knows he lost his best friend. She feels her pain more than she should. 

 

She runs over to catch up with Brett. She doesn’t turn around but she can hear the loud sobs coming from her former friend. Her heart breaks a little, but she doesn’t look back. He reminds Coley too much of her. He is too much of her. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coley goes back to school, as she runs crying into the bathroom she bumps into Irene Klauson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Here is another chapter! I would love feedback so tell me what you think.

After that Coley and Brett didn’t go back to Taco John’s. Actually they did not even go in town. They mostly met at Coley’s house. Brett would come and hang out, talk to her mom about football camps and scholarships while she would mostly stare in the void, and laugh when it felt needed. Brett never offered her to go out anyways. The city was full of ghosts and memories she wasn’t yet willing to remember. 

They kissed a lot. Coley needed—she though—to reclaim her sexuality while Brett—she thinks—just needed to be reinsured that he still had a girlfriend. She couldn’t blame him : she _had_ cheated on him, so she could understand her concern, but even with that in mind, she couldn’t help but think it was pathetic : This had nothing to do with _him,_ and he was selfish for making it about his pain and suffering, his hurt ego; while Coley was loosing her mind. She knew it wasn’t fair to blame him because he was being perfect as always. It’s just that _she_ wouldn’t have made it about her.

 

They didn’t talk about what happened with Jamie during their kissing sessions. Brett tried to explain himself as soon as they were in the car and he had calmed down : 

 

“Baby, I’m sorry” He said weekly “I got so mad, I didn’t want him to put ideas into your head”

 

He put both hands on the sides of her neck, looking at her lovingly, right in the eyes. 

 

“She was sick. She took advantage of you. You are going to be okay Coley.” 

 

And he kissed her, maybe to make his claim stronger, maybe to convince himself of what he had just said. It was hard to tell. Everything he did was hesitant and carefully planned, like he though some kind of trigger would drive her back into her sins. 

 

The kiss didn’t convince Coley, but she deepened it anyway. She did because if she hadn’t she would have spoken up for Jamie, because he had a right to be angry : he had lost his best friend and he missed her. So did she, and she would have cried that out if Brett’s mouth wasn’t there to stop her. It felt empty and loveless the entire time. 

 

_She loved you you know_.

 

 

 

——

 

 

School started again. Everyone stared. The aspiring prom queen wasn’t used to being the town’s misfit, she was getting stared at, and she could see that even with Brett creating a cocoon around her. Had she walked in the hallways, she felt the pure hatred for Cameron that everyone wanted her to feel. The sight of Lydia Dixon jumping on her friend, fake moaning as she walked past, followed by a general laughter. That was hard. Cameron didn’t have to go through that, and it was all because of her. She stole her good life, her perfect life, and replaced it with one where everyone labelled her as the “girl who had been tempted by sin”. Everyone knew but nobody asked. It was a whisper in the hallway. She couldn’t handle that. 

 

When she got to her locker, the word “DYKE” was spelled out in bright red paint. She stopped and stared for a while. She knew it was Jamie because no one else was stupid enough to mess with Brett and the football team. He would get beaten up for it, so she didn’t mind so much. She was mad at Cameron for this life of harsh glances and whispers her new normal. She was mad because she wasn’t the one who had left, to get fixed, to get better. Coley could see it clear has day. Someday, Cameron Post would come back to Miles City, all good, maybe with a boyfriend, and Coley would still be here, thinking about her. Away. 

 

Things went better when she got to class. There she could pretend she couldn’t hear the rumours spreading. At the end her teacher called her to the front desk. She waited for every student to leave before putting her hand on Coley’s shoulder : 

 

“I asked for the words on your locker to be painted over. I hope you are okay”

 

She left without saying anything. She wasn’t okay, and it was too long to explain why. 

 

She ran to the bathroom as she felt her eyes tearing up. She was far from okay. Today had been hard, because of what Cameron did. And she was the one to pay for it. And still, with all this bitterness and hatred, Coley missed her. She spent every second of the terrible day thinking of what Cameron would have said or done. She laughed internally at every Cameron-like joke she imagined and it made her feel a little better. She knows that she would have been so much better at this than her. She would have kept her chin high, she would have made jokes, she would have been with Coley so she wouldn’t have cared. That was Cameron’s problem : she was more concerned by the fact that Coley liked or didn’t like her than by her actual sin. So no, she wouldn’t have cared if people knew about them, or judged them. She would have laughed at the word “dyke” but she would have gotten mad if she saw it was making Coley uncomfortable. She would have been filled with pride that people knew she “got the girl”. Because, they both knew it : Cameron fell for her, and love made her blind to anything else. 

 

Someone entered the bathroom, at this point she was full on crying and she didn’t feel like explaining herself. She raised her eyes and ended up face to face with Irene Klauson. Cameron would have laughed at the irony of the situation, and that made Coley roll her eyes to herself. Irene had changed a lot, her hair was cut short, at shoulder length, her face was more gentle, more compassionate than she had even seen it. Most of all she trader her polo uniform for trendy clothesand that way she looked way more approachable. She was pretty, Coley though, and she and Cameron… _got along_ so well. When she saw Coley, she looked worried :

 

“Oh my god! girl are you okay?”

 

Coley looked up, her face wet with tears, as she said nodded : it was the last person she needed to talk to. 

 

Irene’s gaze shifted from concerned to knowing when she recognised her. It was ironic. Irene slid down to sit next to Coley. She put a gentle hand on her knee, to show support, and laughed : 

 

“I didn’t know Cam was such a heartbreaker…”

 

Coley stood up straight hearing that. 

 

“My heart isn’t broken. Especially not by her!”

 

“Okay, okay, okay” She answered raising her hands, defensive. She had a little smirk that Coley didn’t like so much. Coley was hurt, and she didn’t like being looked upon by Irene Klauson, so she added :

 

“Looks like she broke yours though. How’s the polo player?”

 

Irene rolled her eyes : Cameron told Coley Taylor about them. That was hell of a stupid move. Nevertheless she answered :

 

“No 12 year old gets their hearts broken. Don’t be so defensive I was just trying to help, you seem like you are in a bad place.”

 

She stopped and stared. It was true that Coley didn’t look so good, and it was the first day of school. It would be like that all year long, she would have to get stronger. Irene didn’t say half of the things though at the moment because, as much as she was trying not to care, she felt like Coley needed some support, in whatever form, wherever it might come from. She simply added :

 

“As for the polo player, well, I guess I like better an all women’s team”

 

Coley jerked up at that. She stood up ready to leave the bathroom. 

 

“You are disgusting,” she said, “I could tell everyone about you…”

 

Irene was still sitting down, very calm, still smirking.

 

“So could I” she answered raising her eyebrows. 

 

Coley left and slammed the door. She wasn’t better than when she came in. She was still thinking about Cameron. More and more.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coley needs time to think. She remembers a moment of pure happiness she and Cameron shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to the 3 people who have read this beautiful book and who enjoy what I write. I love you. Thank you for your patience and I will try to update this fic so that maybe, other writers with more talent write about these characters as well so that I can fill my soul with gay content. I needed some fluff this chapter so I decided for it to be a flashback. As always feedback is very VERY much appreciated. Happy New Year guys!

Coley can’t handle having anyone around right now. She needs to be alone in her own head; not see people that keep reminding her of all the harm she’s caused, of the person she has hurt. So yeah… She kind of storms off, leaving behind a surprisingly nice Irene Klauson, but she needs to be alone. She walks, too caught up in her thoughts to even know where she is going. Her eyes are still wet, her nose still runny from crying; it’s crazy how little she cares now. She would never have dared to look remotely vulnerable the past year, but now that she is the black sheep, she knows people will talk about her behind her back, whether or not she has done something to deserve it. Right now she can’t afford to care. She gets out of the school by the front door. The classes have started now so just is pretty alone outside. She sits on the grass facing the road where a few cars pass by. It’s crazy quiet when no one is out.

 

_“You’d know if you skipped more class, when I get out it’s always empty and peaceful”_

 

She smiles at herself hearing Cameron’s voice in her head.

 

“ _We can’t all be rebels like you, Cam.”_

 

Damn, she wishes she was here. Coley isn’t even thinking about kissing her, or anything sinful. She just wishes Cameron was there to talk to her. They used to discuss everything, everyone, have hour long debates about the right way to eat kiwis, told each other stories of when they were kids, their memories of their deceased fathers. Even if it didn’t always go that deep, they had learned over time, how to be good listeners, how to comfort each other, and hell even to poke each other. Their relationship was strange in the way that their interactions weren’t memorable in content but by the fact that Coley always felt content and safe around Cameron. She missed the familiarity. 

 

Coley goes from sitting to laying on the grass. She rubs her eyes. 

 

_I’m okay._

 

She thinks.

 

_“Bullshit”_

 

Cameron’s scoff speaks louder than her thoughts.

 

——

 

_School is finally over, and the kids of Miles City couldn’t be in a happier state. They all rush to the lake and run fully dressed in the water. It’s a tradition, they do it every year because they are teenagers and dumb and happy and they can allow themselves to let off steam. It’s in this exact state of mind that Coley sits on the beach, waiting to dry in the sun. She’s okay, she’s caught in the euphoria of a new summer. She will be bored and sweaty in a few days, but for now, she lets herself be euphoric like everybody else. Everyone is there, talking, goofing off, playing music: they are all wannabe rockstars just for today. They all gather to watch the sunset and run off into the horizon one last time. Cameron is here. She’s wearing her denim jacket over her bathing suit as the cool air starts blowing, talking to Jamie. Coley stares in the distance, she sees her laugh: she seems as happy as everyone else. When she sees Coley her face lights up and she starts walking towards Coley. She notices because Cameron seems to have this special facial expression, this special mode, when she catches Coley staring at her. Her smile grows and she doesn’t seem to pay attention to what is happening anymore. Coley notices, maybe because every time Cameron does, her heart skips a beat. She suddenly becomes all flustered, she isn’t used to people looking so happy, so intensely joyous, because of her. God, she loves that smile, she prays for those dimples never to fade._

 

_The kids decide to stay on the beach. It will be hot until midnight, so they can stay until then. They get to work: start a fire, bring guitars, buy some food from the cheap restaurants nearby. They all sit in a circle, looking back on the school year that has just ended. It’s nice, Coley thinks, there is no drama involved, they only remember the good things, the laughable moments, the cute promprosals, the teachers that they both hate and will miss the following year._

 

_Cameron and Coley are seated next to each other, being very careful not to touch in any way. They’ve been playing this game for a while. It’s a perfect choreography that allows them not to be weird to each-other. They just forget whatever happens between them as soon as it happens. At least Coley does. Tries to._

 

_Coley is participating in the conversation until Cameron tells a story about one her adventures with Jamie. It’s not her type to jump in like this, but her best friend soon takes the lead as she just listens and nods. Coley zones out, she is staring at Cameron, how the fire reflects on her face, how her wet hair sits perfectly on her face, how concentrated she is on the conversation. She looks dreamy in this setting, so Coley keeps staring. Cameron catches her at some point, it’s inevitable, but she doesn’t look away like she usually does. She feels daring and hopeful because it’s summer, and school is over, and she tries to live in the moment like every other student. So she keeps staring at the beautiful girl in front of her and tries not to think about consequences of any kind and just enjoy it. Cameron seems to understand that. She answers with a broad smile and no questions. The dimples are back. She just stares harder until her name is mentioned in the conversation and she looks up and pretends to care about something else. They pass a joint around, but it never gets to the girls. Coley is just looking at the fire, not paying attention to the group conversation that she thinks might have drifted away to a dark topic. Someone is strumming a guitar on the left. The people stopped singing but the musician still mindlessly plays to chords of What’s up by the 4 non-blondes on his instrument. It’s a beautiful moment._

 

_A burnt log falls in the fire making Coley jump a little bit._

 

_Cameron protectively puts a hand on her knee, not even looking at her. It’s unconscious, unintentional, innocent, it shouldn’t mean anything. Expect that it does. Coley is now only focused on this hand on her knee and she can’t decide if she should be freaking out or euphoric. Freaking out because she is paranoid. People could see it, could start talking, and Coley has never been a good liar. She’d have to accept and actually take account for whatever Cameron and her are doing. The simple thought of that makes her shiver. She can’t think about that. Her brain shuts off whenever her lips touch the other girl’s or whenever she thinks about it, she has gotten used to it now. But she is also euphoric because her paranoia is so weak compared of how fulfilled she feels._

 

_Right now, without thinking about anything else but this moment, she’s okay._

 

_She’s okay because not only does she feel safe, but she feels bubbly whenever she sees those dimples in her smile. She feels her stomach flip when Cameron gently rubs her thigh. She’s both terrified and excited to have this weird crush on a charming and frankly intriguing girl. It feels so right. Because that is how teenagers should feel. Not ashamed, not disgusted with themselves. They should fear whether or not their crushes like them back, or if they’ll get good grades, nothing else. Coley decides to live in this state of mind, for now. She decides to enjoy this affectionate action from Cameron, she can’t help but feel the bubbly feeling in her stomach. She eases up on herself just for now because she thinks she deserves to feel loved and to only think about that. So she relaxes under the touch and tries to enjoy the now._

 

_“Cameron?” She says, snapping back to reality._

 

_The girl turns to her with a grin_

 

_“Hmm?” Her cheeks are already red. Coley doesn't know if it’s because they are so close or because of the fire, but the girl in front of her is gorgeous and smart and she is looking at her like she is the most precious gem in the world so fuck it._

 

_Fuck it._

 

_Coley stands up without a word and grabs Cameron’s hand to drag her out of the circle. Their fingers intertwine instinctively. Her hands are much softer than Brad’s. Cameron lets Coley lead her behind the guard’s stand. She walks fast and doesn’t turn around until the other girl’s back is pressed against the metallic structure. Their hands are still clasped together, their hair still half wet and their cheeks still burning. The two of them are now facing each other and if Coley is honest with herself she didn’t think this through at all. They are close, and they are facing each other. Cameron giggles. She usually doesn't but Coley guesses she’s nervous. Argh. She_ can _make her nervous. She loves that. Their eyes meet and Cameron stops laughing._

 

_“Hey.” She simply says. Her gaze shifts from her eyes to her lips_

 

_“Hey” Cameron answers. Her voice is raspy but soft. She tucks Coley’s hair behind her ear and pulls her closer._

 

_That’s all she needs. Coley leans in the presses her lips on Cameron who grabs to back of her neck with both her hands. She deepens the kiss._

 

_It’s perfect, Coley allows herself to think. It’s sweet, gentle while still being filled with desire and teenage excitement._

 

_It’s perfect, Coley thinks. She can’t stop because she has no reason to. It makes her happy like nothing else in her life. She gets the girl. Not sure if she should, or if she wants to. But she does. And that fills her with joy, because what a girl she gets._

 

_She feels Cameron’s smile against her lips. She’s happy. They both are._

 

_When she pulls away there is a single tear running down her cheek. Cameron sees it and wipes it away as she rests her forehead on the other girl’s. It’s a tear of euphoria, and of fear, and of excitement, but not one of regret. Not yet. It’s a tear that means “I love you”, not that Coley realizes it yet. Again, she doesn’t want to think about it. She’s happy and the moment is hers. She believes that she’s okay, and there is no voice in her head saying the opposite._


End file.
